There are words that are guaranteed to trigger narcissistic rage. What’s worse, considering each of those words, both in and out of context, is guaranteed to confuse the narcissist’s target which contributes to complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD).
RESPECT & RECIPROCITY:
Narcissists are very hypersensitive regarding respect. We are all entitled to basic respect, but narcissists feel entitled to a disproportionate amount of it. They are also very unlikely to offer sufficient respect to anyone else, not unless there is something in it for them. However, respect and reciprocity are inherent in all social contracts. I might respect the financial opinion of my financial advisor more than the opinion of my brother-in-law in regards to investments, but I expect my exchanges with both to be respectful, in both directions.
Whether a narcissist is dictatorial regarding the right way to organize food in the refrigerator or how others should behave, it is about control. Sure, especially in partner relationships, it is useful to have a second opinion on our behavior as we all make mistakes, but with a narcissist, the controlling criticism pervades everything. Moreover, any comment we make about any little thing is likely to result in an aggressive push-back. Out-of-proportion emotional reactions do not foster trust or healthy communication in any relationship.
It is part of human norms that we expect reciprocity in relationships. We expect that if we treat another person kindly, we will be treated kindly in turn. We expect that if we invite someone to dinner a couple or more times, we will be invited to some sort of event in return. We expect that when someone says they have our best interest in mind, that they do. Although narcissists can appear generous when warranted, their generosity comes with strings and serves their personal agendas. It’s not about respect, reciprocity or relationships with a narcissist. It’s about power.
ACTION: The only thing for the target to do is to tacitly ignore the outbursts. Do your best to avoid the narcissist or any hint of criticism in conversations with a narcissist. Don’t go there. When there is no respect and reciprocity, there is no real relationship. Realize it is them, not you. Find another sandbox in which to play, people who understand respect and reciprocity who do not play zero-sum games. Still treat narcissists respectfully when you must engage, but be circumspect. Marginalize their input by giving them less opportunity, and watch your back.
REASONABLE & RATIONAL:
Anyone who has ever uttered the plea to be reasonable or rational to a narcissist who is engaging in a temper tantrum over some perceived slight quickly realizes that they added kerosene to a dump fire.
Narcissists have an idealized false-self image of themselves that they have to protect at all costs. They might say things like:
People should just do what I tell them. I am always right. (I am perfect)
Any contradiction of me is an attack on science. (I am God.)
Your perspective doesn’t matter. It is wrong. (I am in charge.)
Consequently, suggesting even for a moment that there is a flaw in their pronouncements is tantamount to committing a grievous sin. Given who they are, they’ve heard others tell them to be reasonable or rational before which results in additional anger from those long-ago conversations also adding fuel their combative response in the present.
ACTION: Understand that you can’t use these trigger words with a narcissist. It winds them up. They’ll throw it back at you saying you are irrational and unreasonable in a word salad full of logical fallacies. Stick to facts when they smear you. If you are kind and clever, you might find an opportunity to use gentle humor, but do so sparingly. Basically, don’t respond to the provocation but keep coming back to the issue. Most importantly, do not give up your personal agency.
EXAMPLE REPLIES:
“I suggest the perspective of the family of the vax-injured child is valid to them and matters a great deal.”
“I understand that those models suggest what you are advocating. I also understand that those models have a flawed design and omit relevant data.”
“You don’t have to come with me if you rather not. I’ll be back by 7 PM.” Then quickly head out the door.
RAGE & REACTIONS:
Narcissistic rage is nothing more than an adult temper tantrum. It can be scarier when the person raging is bigger and stronger than you, literally or metaphorically. However, this dysregulated emotional outburst is still just a display of immature grandiosity and entitlement.
ACTION: Do not respond in kind. Detach your emotions and silently observe them analytically and with quiet amusement. Narcissists like to evoke reactive abuse from their targets so that the narcissist can paint the target as being the unreasonable out-of-control party. It’s all a set-up, a con-game. Don’t play.
CONCLUSION:
Narcissists engage in perspecticide. They will attempt to invalidate anyone who disagrees with them. They use all the tools at their disposal to obliterate any perspective that is not reflective of them as the arbitrator of everything. It’s the world they live in. It’s complicated, but you can chose to live in a different world. Begin by recognizing them for what they are: toxic tyrants.
For more information on the reality of dealing with narcissists, see "Dance with the Devil: Love in the Age of Covid" https://atmospherepress.com/books/dance-with-the-devil-love-in-the-age-of-covid-by-maggie-russo/