The Pillars of Manipulation
Succumbing to the false world-view and control of a narcissist (or narcissistic organization) is not about not being smart enough. Although everyone and anyone is vulnerable to psychological manipulation, conmen will tell you that smart and successful people are often easier targets because it is easier to use their perception of themselves as smart and successful against them. There are many tactics involved, but there seem to be three pillars upon which the toxic relationship is built.
TRAUMA BONDING:
A trauma bond usually refers to the feelings of commitment and affection a victim has for an abuser which can be influenced by the victim’s experiences of abuse in previous relationships. A trauma bond also is manufactured by toxic personalities who manipulate emotional vulnerabilities with drama and charm. Periodic and unpredictable episodes of narcissistic rage which visit emotional abuse on the target are terrifying. The only thing the victim wants is to stop and prevent those attacks on their psyche, and self-confident victims are likely to have a naive overconfidence in their ability to navigate the relationship.
Although observers might think the rageful attacks would cause the victim to leave, it is not so simple. Fear and stress produce adrenaline and cortisol which make the relationships more sticky, especially important relationships. Survivors of collective traumas, such as natural disasters or war, often establish close bonds because of their shared experience. The perspective of those in the relationship is not the same as observers from the outside. However, it’s not just perspective on shared events, the chemicals in our bodies and brains also influence our choices.
BREAD-CRUMBING:
Intermittent positive behaviors, no matter how minimal and random, encourage the target to continue to hope that the relationship with the narcissist can be good despite repeated experiences of abuse. Hope stimulates feel-good neurotransmitters such as endorphins, serotonin and oxitocin.
When the toxic personality is intermittently kind, fun, and affectionate, despite the episodes of uncontrollable rage, it provides the target with bread-crumbs of hope. Hope that the incident isn’t indicative of a pattern of abuse; hope that if they are careful not to provoke the other person and be perfect in every way, then life will be good; hope that the narcissist is capable of change and is in fact trying to change for the better and in so doing create a better shared reality. That hope is an illusion.
Bread-crumbing behavior was described by psychologist B.F. Skinner as ‘variable interval reinforcement’ which utilizes punishment and reward in his work on operant conditioning and behavior modification consistent with the carrot and stick methodologies used in animal training. It is the equivalent of cajoling and coercion mechanisms used in propaganda campaigns. Operant conditioning destabilize the mind and encourage compliance.
COGNITIVE DISSONANCE:
Healthy egos of competent people are severely tested when subjected to psychological abuse. On one hand, a healthy person will consider what they did to provoke the abuse in an effort to make personal changes to improve the relationship. On the other hand, a healthy person may deny that there is anything untoward with the circumstance because they are a smart and good person, therefore this can’t be really happening to them. Like the episodes of rage mixed with incidents of kindness challenges the victim’s view of reality, the very identity of the victim is stressed by being in this circumstance. The result is cognitive dissonance, a situation when behaviors and real world experiences are inconsistent with strongly held values and beliefs, as well as personal identity.
It often is easier to deny reality and turn a blind eye to the inconsistency of behavior with sincerely held values than to address the reality in which the victim finds himself.
BOTTOM LINE:
It is because of this pathological worldview and sense of self which are predicated upon these pillars that smart and good people find themselves not only victimized by toxic personalities with strong narcissistic traits, but also defensive of their abusers and the pathological world in which they find themselves.