“And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.” - Matthew 10:14-15
A friend recently wondered if there is something wrong with her because she so often finds herself dealing with entitled and abusive people. She had been reduced to tears the day before because of crazy-making behaviors. She said she tries to be compassionate and understand that this is just the way a couple of friends and family members are, but not only does she find herself exhausted by their constant demands on her, she frequently finds herself being verbally abused by these people and unable to sleep at night for the emotional pain they cause her. She wondered how does she be a good Christian and a good friend to these people.
If we consider the Biblical quote above, we must accept that we can’t be a good friend to these people. Let’s analyze the text:
INVALIDATE: “Whoever shall not receive you” refers to people who cannot or will not accept you for who you are, often people who don’t care to take the time to get to know you. People invalidate your very identity when they don’t recognize the goodness in you and the fact that we each have our own lives to live and are deserving of living those lives. These are the people who criticize you, judge you, and try to control you. They will shame or shun you at the drop of a hat. Their entitled viewpoint is the only one that matters and your choices are immaterial in their black-and-white world. They condemn you as wrong, over and over and over again. In truth, you don’t have to agree with each other, but disagreement should not result in a sanctimonious rejection. If it does, a healthy relationship is not possible.
DISMISS: “Nor hear your words” refers to being dismissive of opinions, thoughts and feelings. No one ever says: “this is what I know, was taught, and believe and these are my choices which I think are all wrong.” Everyone is entitled to have their beliefs and personal choices respected, and no one should have to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting a toxic personality resulting in some form of narcissistic rage. Some détente might be warranted when people fundamentally disagree, but intolerance is never okay.
RELATIONSHIP: “Shake off the dust of your feet” instructs us that the only way to deal with someone who is chronically disrespectful, invalidating, and dismissive is to walk away from them.
There is nothing the matter with my friend. Absolutely nothing. Empathetic and forgiving people provide easier targets for those who feel superior and entitled, but the fault lies in the toxic personality.
Empathetic people are often empathetic because they, too, had a hard life but chose to live a life of generosity and compassion. Narcissists, psychopaths and other toxic personalities chose to be selfish and critical, for which there is no excuse. This isn’t to say that from time to time, people need a little more support because of difficulties or that the occasional insensitive remark is not forgivable, it is. But when the self-centered pattern is consistent and enduring, we are entitled to use a critical eye in ascertaining the dynamic and to take steps to protect ourselves from psychic harm.
DOWN THE ROAD
Empathetic people suffer a death of their innocence when they recognize that the narcissist only sees them as objects, rather than multi-dimensional persons deserving of respect. It is a rude awakening to the fact that people live in different worlds of their own making. These worlds can be created out of love and tolerance by an empath, or out of psychopathological distortions of reality by the toxic personality.
In today’s polarized society, there are many people who have come to believe that their world-view is the one and only right view. This is one of the myths of management, known as the ‘illusion of control.’ Especially at the beginning of this third year of the ‘Covid pandemic,’ people have become intransigently committed to the control mythology even as the tenets of their philosophy morph from week to week, and they struggle to justify the changes, even to the point of disappearing evidence of their earlier positions along with the history of those they denigrated whose positions were proven correct.
Regardless of context and tactics, those committed to a my-way-or-the-highway approach assume a dictatorial manner. They play a zero-sum game, i.e. in order for them to win, you have to lose. That involves diminishing, invalidating, and destroying those who do not conform.
I gently suggested my friend distance herself from people who consistently display narcissistic behaviors, to cast the dust off her feet and walk down a different road. She deserves to be treated better, and that includes her treating herself better by not putting herself in their control. These people may deserve compassion, but she is entitled to kindness and respect. Always.